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Falling in Love (Again)

I've almost reached the 6th month mark of tumor treatment.

For those of you just joining us, I have a tumor. It's on my pituitary gland. Which happens to be housed in this cavern behind my eyes. So... the brain-ish area. I technically can't call it a brain tumor because it's not touching any brain tissue. But it is really, really close to it. And my mom doesn't seem to care for it when I try to differentiate the terminology. But she's my mom. She's totally allowed to call it whatever she wants. (My girl G calls it Clyde and she hates him).

The tumor causes...problems. My hormones are whack. And I say that as Joey Tribbiani-ey as I can.

I've had to relearn my favorite thing—writing.

I don't mean I forgot how to type or spell or anything like that. But it robbed me of my focus and my memory and my joy. Where I used to sit down and type out 2-3k words in a sitting, I found myself struggling to hit 200 words. After hours. Discouraging doesn't cover it.

I pulled away from projects, my blog, my poetry. I simplified and minimized. I went back to the basics.

It was like chasing flaring light bulbs in the dark. As soon as I would reach it, it would darken and another would light up in the distance. And off I'd run again. Trying to catch it.

Trying to catch one.

And I kept at it. I have struggled through thousands of words of nothing. Just slashing my way through the jungle of my process with the machete of good intentions.

After 6th months of tumor treatment, I'm beginning to really grow into my new normal. My process has changed completely. It's like writing is all brand new for me again. I mean, I have these inklings of memory, these patches where it seems familiar. But I'm boldly exploring this new way of thinking and storytelling.

I like it.

It's terrifying and the hardest thing I've ever done. But I'm tumbling head over feet, falling in love with writing all over again.

I hesitate to say, "I'm back." Because I'm not sure I ever left.

I think I can say with confidence, "I'm awake now."

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